Changing relationships with people you really don’t like

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We all have one or more people in our lives that we really don’t like. We feel they drain our batteries and deplete our energy. But disliking them also comes at a cost, often leaving us frustrated and drained. Which begs the question: Is it possible to change how we feel about such people in our lives? Let’s find out in this episode of Demystifying Change.

You know that person you don’t see eye-to-eye with? Somehow, even on your best day with best of your intentions, this person is still able to get the best of you? This person could be anyone, someone you work with, a relative, or even a family member.

Can you change how you feel about this person? The answer is, yes.

There is one person, with who I’ve had consistent disagreements and just the thought of engaging would set me on edge. No matter what I tried, nothing seemed to work. She was very opinionated. I can never forget…on my 25th birthday, she cried and told me “your shelf-life is over. You’re 25. You’ll never find a husband.”

Everyone called her Biji, and she passed away last month. I was in South Africa when I got the news. I spent the next 36 hours of connecting flights and layovers from Cape Town to Cleveland trying to wrestle with the possibility of finding anything nice to say about Biji. Because, of all the people, I was asked to speak at her funeral.

And I wondered…what could I possibly say? I didn’t have anything nice that I could think of.

I felt angry that I was being asked to speak at all. I worried, I’d look like a hypocrite. What about my integrity? I couldn’t speak at her funeral. I was convinced of that. Until my grandfather, with grief and hope asked me if I would speak at Biji’s funeral.

And although I had a long list of reasons why I never saw eye-to-eye with Biji. I, now, had to find a way to speak of her in a way that honoured her and my integrity because she meant the world to two of the most important men in my life… Biji was my dad’s mom, my grandmother.

The night before the funeral as I sat by my grandfather brooding over my dilemma, my mom recognized my struggle (as she always magically does). She took me aside. “Biji practically raised you. There must have been countless memories from that time that you could share.”

That’s when the story in my head began to change.

See…born in a small town in India, at a time when no one rejoiced the birth of a girl child, Biji had celebrated my birth with great joy and splendor.

Until that moment that night, I had been fixated on seeing Biji through only the lens of a woman who once said my shelf-life was over at 25. (I forgot her courage and feminist spirit in celebrating my birth when others were paying condolences at my birth.)

But people are not uni-dimensional. People are complex and full of contradictions.

I don’t dislike Biji when I see her as the “whole person” with all her contradictions. I now realize how the need to make uni-dimensional judgments about people polarizes our thoughts about them. That way, people can only be one thing, either good or bad, but never both. Why do we do that? Especially, when it leaves us disliking someone to the extent that they drain our batteries and deplete our energies?

You, too, may have someone in your life that you struggle with. So I hope you challenge yourself to see the whole person, someone full of complexities and contradictions. Challenge yourself to see the multi-dimensionality within this person and in her/his interactions with you.

I’m hopeful that it’ll help you rev up your batteries and recharge your energy to reconstruct a better relationship with this person.

Please share your thoughts and strategies below that have helped you change relationships for the better!